Mean What You Say

Having clarity supports clearer communication. When you aren’t clear with your thoughts and wants, you can fall into shaming patterns, garble your messages to others or not be forthright, and you can give away your personal power. Surprising what a lack of clarity can do to your life, isn’t it.

There are several clues to your level of clarity, one being a word almost everyone uses. In fact, we use it so often you may not even be aware of how much you use it. I was brought up short by my coach the other day when he pointed out that I’d used the word “should” a dozen times in five minutes of conversation. To be clear, I wasn’t running down a list of instructions or rules, I was chatting about life and some of my habits. Having that pointed out reminded me of similar conversations I’ve had with people, with me pointing out that “should” in itself isn’t a bad word and not loaded. Oh, the way our egos trick us into staying right where we are!

The lesson I keep hearing, and am finally learning, is that the mind doesn’t know the difference between an idea being considered and an order, and “should” is a word directing thought and action, and giving away power. You may think there is a difference between someone telling you that you “should do” something specific and you considering that you “should do” something. Maybe you are giving yourself an order, and maybe you are just pondering possibilities or intentions. The mind takes that as an order and wants you to act. When you don’t, it works to undermine your self-esteem because you don’t follow through on “orders”. Or, the person you are talking to perceives your “should question” as weakness or a request for them to take over, and that may not be what you had in mind at all.

If you’d just say what you mean you could avoid unnecessary emotions that can arise from miscommunications associated with “should”.

And “would” is no better! You might think it a sweet attempt to not be direct with a suggestion or request. I had a friend tell me it was a common practice of her mom’s to start an order with “would you think about doing….” rather than directly saying what she wanted done. My friend was annoyed by the round-about approach her mom took.

Let’s start with how lack of clarity can become a trap for shaming others with the use of “should”. By telling someone what they “should” be doing is a way of telling them your way of thinking is the correct way. You are telling them that their behavior is insufficient or misguided. Maybe you are telling them they are inconsiderate and thoughtless. There are many messages that can come from a seemingly innocuous “should” statement, messages you may not mean, or, you may exactly mean. That doesn’t happen when you have clarity of thought and intention. That doesn’t happen when you say what you mean.

Perhaps you were intending to suggest an alternate way of thinking about or doing something, not giving the command that was voiced. And “shoulding” yourself can have the same shaming reaction. You can almost see your mom, or some other authority figure, wagging their finger at you as they “should” you and when you “should” yourself. That can bring the child in you out and cause any number of reactions, starting with shame. The “shoulding” you lay on others can have the same effect on them as it does on you. I’d submit there are healthier and more effective ways of communicating with people — including yourself — than “shoulding” them.

Telling people what you want in clear terms is direct and powerful — for you and for them. They may disagree with you, but they know where you stand. That holds true for what others say to you as well. There’s no shame conveyed in honestly and directly stating what you want or what you are thinking.

Say what you mean, and if you mean to shame someone, be direct about it (it’s always appropriate to be kind).
Garbling your message and not being forthright comes from the lazy use of “should”. When you have something to say, say it directly. It’s cleaner and clearer than going the round-about way through “should”. How do you react to these two sentences: “You should stop doing that” and “I don’t like that behavior so please stop”? You better know what the speaker wants and is thinking with the latter statement, don’t you.

Here’s another example. What’s your reaction to this pair of questions, as far as the directness: “Shouldn’t we be leaving for the airport now” and “It’s time for us to leave for the airport”? The latter statement communicates more facts and what the speaker wants than the former statement does, even though it’s shorter. In fact, the former statement is ambiguous and leaves room for debate. When you say what you mean you save time in back and forth clarifying discussions or in resolving misunderstandings. That clarity and time savings is one great way to keep your energy strong and raise your high performance level!

Another downfall of using “should” is that it gives your power away. Saying, even to yourself, “I should get to work” or “I should stop eating sugars” takes your power of making decisions and gives it to someone else. If you want to start working, a more powerful way of communicating that is by saying “It’s time for me to get to work now” or “I want to get to work”. A more effective way of changing your eating choices is to say something like “I want to quit eating sugars” or, even better, is “I don’t eat sugars now”. No “shoulding” there, just clear statements of what you want, what you are thinking, or what you are doing.

Note that the first statement about sugars is a reflection of a wish or desire. The second statement is a fact, a fait accomplis. The former statement is a good start, and the following statement is a great accomplishment. When you say you don’t eat sugars anymore you are in the power seat.

For the rest of the day, pay attention to how often you use “should”. Better yet, take note of the different ways you use “should” and how often that word comes out of your mouth. Stop to think about what it is you want to accomplish when you find yourself using “should” and express that intention clearly, and without the word. See how your communications improve, and your self-esteem rises as you take back control of your communications and life.

You can see that clarity of thought builds good will, understandable and straightforward communication, and personal power. Can you imagine a better way to live an energized life and be a high performer?
PS: This turned out to be a difficult article to write, and it’s an even harder habit to break. “Should” is so ingrained in my way of communicating I am amazed at how often I catch myself saying it. In an effort to be polite, broach a subject, ask for someone’s opinion, or suggest a different way for another to think or act, the word “should” slips out of my mouth regularly. I found my brain getting exhausted by the level of presence I required for me to work on my “should” habit with the intention of breaking it. Instead, I’m striving to say what I mean directly, forgetting the segue phrases and the backdoor communications. I’m not there yet, but my awareness is heightened and that’s the first step. Onward!

7 thoughts on “Mean What You Say”

  1. A former pastor was the first person to make me aware of the problem of using should. She often lectured her lay leaders about it. One of her favorite saying was “Don’t should all over people.” I have worked hard to eliminate should in my conversations with others. I didn’t realize until today that it is counterproductive to should on me. Thank you for the insight.

    Vickie in Texas

    Reply
    • “Shoulding all over yourself” has subtle implications. I think they are about the same as “shoulding all over others”. What I have been finding for myself is that *I* feel more powerful in my communications by using the words buried within the “shoulds” I lay on others and myself. Rather than thinking/saying “I should call Jeannine” I rephrase that into an action of entering the “call Jeannine” into my calendar reminders or actually doing it. “I should get up soon” turns into “get up now”, or even “roll over and snooze for another 15 minutes”.

      Happy pro-productivity, Vickie! 🙂

      Reply
  2. I have never contemplated the meaning of should in my self-talk. It has occurred to me that I am shifting decision making (power) to others when I use it with others (usually my husband), but I have never spent any time considering all the implications of this transfer. As you point out, this small word is powerfully shaping my relationships with others and with myself. Thank you for opening my eyes. Awareness is always the first step to change. I’m certain I’ll be catching myself shoulding now that you’ve raised my awareness. My gut tells me that I should myself a lot more than I should others. I’ll see where this awareness leads me.

    Reply
    • Awareness is what I’m raising, isn’t it. What we do with that awareness is another subject, but I’ll keep doing my best for me — and all my readers.

      Reply
  3. I’ve always considered “should” and “could” to be “polite” ways of making requests and demands, because they allow alternative options to the listener. I’ve been taught to allow options to, among other things, avoid potential refusal of my requests. But I see how that prevents clarity in my speech. No wonder I don’t get the results I want!

    Your words have had an impact on me, they make sense in a way I have not considered before. The would and should are so ingrained in me that I had a hard time considering possible alternatives as I read your article. I will work on being more aware of my use of these words, they are so powerful.

    Reply
    • Clara, your input is well put. Yes, that politeness is well-intended and ill-founded. I like your description of that as it reflects some of the ways I’ve used “should”.

      Awareness is the first step, and the path is not straight. I hope you’ll enjoy the process of learning to say what you mean and drop those “shoulds”. Watch your power grow!

      Reply

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